CA Title = Write about a television programme you either love or loathe.

This apparently was inspired by my earlier rant on here. Well done M.

Just what, exactly, happens in someone’s life to make them want to appear on a “reality” television show, and demonstrate to the world, (well those that watch such “entertainment” anyway) just how annoying and petty you really are?

It was bad enough when members of the public offered themselves up for sacrifice to the audience, a baying pack of self-righteous thickos, but to the makers of such intellectually stimulating visual chewing gum, we needed more, we needed … Celebrities!

“I’m a Celebrity get me out of here” “burst”, like a cold sore, onto our screens 13 long (and miserable) years ago with the promise of a real jungle environment, squabbling celebrities and a pretty, bikini clad girl with big boobs spending plenty of time in the “natural” shower.

The format itself is quite clever; lower, quite literally, (but not nearly fast enough in my opinion) the celebs into the “hostile jungle environment”, for a week or two, make them compete for food by winning various tasks with the infamous “bush tucker trial” which invariably involves sticking a creepy crawly up your nose (or worse), and film the lot. The viewing public, up to a very scary 12 million of them, then vote out the biggest numpty (and there is serious competition on this front, believe me) by sending a text (texts cost a very reasonable £380 or something like that; how do they do it and scrape a profit?).

This carries on, somewhat nauseatingly, until there are only two people left. Then, guess what? That’s right, we all get a chance to “vote” again for the “King or Queen of the Jungle” (Queens have not, historically always been women) and should you hate your own money enough you can vote as many times as you like (at this point of my research I was moved to tears by the generosity of the TV company in allowing us, the humble viewer, to be able to demonstrate “how strongly” we feel). It is filmed in Murwillumbah, New South Wales, Australia, the perfect location in my opinion, as the show reflects rather beautifully, the country’s deserved reputation for both sporting fairness and culture.

To give the programme makers due credit, they show a degree of genius in being able to pick, every year, the most annoying person alive from the following categories:

An ex model or “Actress” (must own a Bikini), a “do you remember him or her” pop singer (think David Van Day and Sinitta), a nasty politician (who usually forgets to be nasty halfway through), a TV chef, (excellent for cooking rats and for making Kangaroo penis slightly more palatable), an American, (adds intellectual stimulus), a famous person’s wife/ husband (they obviously can’t afford the actual famous person), a very camp bloke (having misunderstood both the terms camping and Queen of the Jungle on the application form) a very fit bloke (possibly camp, but the women and some of the men love him anyway) a “famous” weather forecaster (to tell the other contestants it’s raining) an ex sportsman / woman from a sport that is no longer televised (ski Jumping, darts, horse dancing etc) and a person that we all assumed was dead!

The winners? Well, It is a bit like picking your favourite sexually transmitted disease really, but after the viewers are exposed to relentless subliminal voting instruction they have “chosen” the likes of Kerry Katona (2004), Christopher Biggins  (2007) and in 2005, Carol Thatcher! Carol Thatcher? Margaret Thatcher Lite? Nobody could possibly like her. Who next?  Attila the Hun’s Great Great Nephew? In Jim Royle’s fabulous parlance; Carol Thatcher my arse!

Perhaps the greatest winners are the show’s producers themselves. The hugely profitable format has been exported to over 60 countries with seven of them producing their own version (under strict licensing). Ich bin ein Star – Holt mich hier raus! and Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao may be savored in Germany and India respectively although a viewer in the latter country has over 1600 channels at their disposal. Sixteen Hundred! Surely, there must be something better on?

The award for export however must go to the free thinking Dutch, who have made their own version, which will undoubtedly show far more (artistic) nudity, soft drug taking and “love ins”. The Dutch chose, no doubt in reverence to British culture, to keep the title English but translated it into the rather evocative and truly descriptive “Bozos in the Bush”.

So there we have it, a stunning success, one of our great exports, something to make us a truly great nation again. It must just be me that turns off after the “actress” in the bikini gets voted off!

Ant and Dec, the show’s  presenters, summed up the end of the last series with “we will be back next year, with another fantastic series, and we know you guys will be joining us”.

Well guess what “guys”?

I won’t.

I really, really won’t.

ACT 1

—  – 3 witches meet on a deserted heath

—  – King Duncan defeats the rebels and praises “noble” Macbeth

—  – Macbeth and Banquo meet the witches who prophesise that Macbeth will be king

—  – Macbeth sends a letter to his wife

—  – They plot Duncan’s murder

—  – Duncan arrives at Macbeth’s castle…

—  – Macbeth is unsure of the plan

ACT 2

—  – Duncan and his servants are murdered

—  – Duncan’s sons, Malcolm and Donalblain flee from Scotland

ACT 3

—  – Macbeth becomes king

—  – Macbeth, afraid of Banquo, murders him

—  – Macbeth sees Banquo’s ghost

ACT 4

—  – Macbeth seeks out the witches

—  – They show him apparitions

—  – Macbeth arranges the murder of Macduff’s wife and children

ACT 5

—  – Lady Macbeth sleepwalks

—  – She dies, having gone mad

—  – Macbeth kills Seyward (General of the English forces)

—  – Macbeth is slain

—  – Malcolm becomes king

See if you can translate this into modern English. Go on, have a go….

MACBETH ACT 1 SCENE 5. Inverness. Macbeth’s castle.

Enter LADY MACBETH, reading a letter

LADY MACBETH

‘They met me in the day of success: and I have
learned by the perfectest report, they have more in
them than mortal knowledge. When I burned in desire
to question them further, they made themselves air,
into which they vanished. Whiles I stood rapt in
the wonder of it, came missives from the king, who
all-hailed me ‘Thane of Cawdor;’ by which title,
before, these weird sisters saluted me, and referred
me to the coming on of time, with ‘Hail, king that
shalt be!’ This have I thought good to deliver
thee, my dearest partner of greatness, that thou
mightst not lose the dues of rejoicing, by being
ignorant of what greatness is promised thee. Lay it
to thy heart, and farewell.’
Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and shalt be
What thou art promised: yet do I fear thy nature;
It is too full o’ the milk of human kindness
To catch the nearest way: thou wouldst be great;
Art not without ambition, but without
The illness should attend it: what thou wouldst highly,
That wouldst thou holily; wouldst not play false,
And yet wouldst wrongly win: thou’ldst have, great Glamis,
That which cries ‘Thus thou must do, if thou have it;
And that which rather thou dost fear to do
Than wishest should be undone.’ Hie thee hither,
That I may pour my spirits in thine ear;
And chastise with the valour of my tongue
All that impedes thee from the golden round,
Which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem
To have thee crown’d withal.

Enter a Messenger

What is your tidings?

Messenger

The king comes here to-night.

LADY MACBETH

Thou’rt mad to say it:
Is not thy master with him? who, were’t so,
Would have inform’d for preparation.

Messenger

So please you, it is true: our thane is coming:
One of my fellows had the speed of him,
Who, almost dead for breath, had scarcely more
Than would make up his message.

LADY MACBETH

Give him tending;
He brings great news.

Exit Messenger

The raven himself is hoarse
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan
Under my battlements. Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood;
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman’s breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature’s mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry ‘Hold, hold!’

Enter MACBETH

Great Glamis! worthy Cawdor!
Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter!
Thy letters have transported me beyond
This ignorant present, and I feel now
The future in the instant.

MACBETH

My dearest love,
Duncan comes here to-night.

LADY MACBETH

And when goes hence?

MACBETH

To-morrow, as he purposes.

LADY MACBETH

O, never
Shall sun that morrow see!
Your face, my thane, is as a book where men
May read strange matters. To beguile the time,
Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye,
Your hand, your tongue: look like the innocent flower,
But be the serpent under’t. He that’s coming
Must be provided for: and you shall put
This night’s great business into my dispatch;
Which shall to all our nights and days to come
Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.

MACBETH

We will speak further.

LADY MACBETH

Only look up clear;
To alter favour ever is to fear:
Leave all the rest to me.

Exeunt

Macduff – Homework [Macbeth]

Your task is simple; insert the words into the gaps so that this makes complete sense and then write it out for your own notes when studying the play.

Macduff is the archetype of the avenging _ _ _ _, not simply out for revenge but with a _ _ _ _ and holy purpose. Macduff is the character who has two of the most significant _ _ _ _ _ in the play.

First, he is the discoverer of _ _ _ _ Duncan’s body. Second, the news of the callous _ _ _ _ _ _ of his wife and children (Act IV, Scene 3) spurs him toward his desire to take personal _ _ _ _ _ _ _ upon the tyrannical _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

When he knocks at the gate of Macbeth’s castle in Act 2, Scene 3, he is being equated with the _ _ _ _ _ of Christ, who before his final ascension into Heaven, goes down to release the souls of the damned from hell.

Like Macbeth, Macduff is also shown as a _ _ _ _ _ being. When he hears of the death of his “pretty chickens,” he has to hold _ _ _ _ his emotions. Even when in Act 4 Scene 3) Malcolm urges him to “Dispute it like a man,” Macduff’s reply is “I will do so. But I must also feel it as a man” enabling the audience to weigh him against _ _ _ _ _ _ _, an unfeeling man if ever there was one.

In the final combat between _ _ _ _ and anti-hero, this humanity is recalled once more when Macduff _ _ _ _ _ out, “I have no words; my voice is in my sword.” It is his very wordlessness that _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ with Macbeth’s _ _ _ _ _ rhetoric.

Words to use

RHETORIC                        MACBETH                         HERO                     HUMAN

ROLES                                        GOOD                               BACK                      FIGURE

CRIES                               KING                                MURDER                 EMPTY

HERO                               MACBETH                         REVENGE                

Macbeth – Character List

Macbeth –  Macbeth is a Scottish general and the Thane of Glamis who is led to wicked thoughts by the prophecies of the three witches, especially after their prophecy that he will be made Thane of Cawdor comes true. Macbeth is a brave soldier and a powerful man, but he is not a virtuous one. He is easily tempted into murder to fulfil his ambitions to the throne and once he commits his first crime and is crowned King of Scotland, he embarks on further atrocities with increasing ease. Ultimately, Macbeth proves himself better suited to the battlefield than to political intrigue, because he lacks the skills necessary to rule without being a tyrant. His response to every problem is violence and murder. Macbeth is never comfortable in his role as a criminal. He is unable to bear the psychological consequences of his atrocities.

Lady Macbeth –  Macbeth’s wife, a deeply ambitious woman who lusts for power and position. Early in the play she seems to be the stronger and more ruthless of the two, as she urges her husband to kill Duncan and seize the crown. After the bloodshed begins, however, Lady Macbeth falls victim to guilt and madness to an even greater degree than her husband. Her conscience affects her to such an extent that she eventually commits suicide. Interestingly, she and Macbeth are presented as being deeply in love, and many of Lady Macbeth’s speeches imply that her influence over her husband is primarily sexual. Their joint alienation from the world, occasioned by their partnership in crime, seems to strengthen the attachment that they feel to each another.

Three Witches –  Three “black and midnight hags” who plot mischief against Macbeth using charms, spells, and prophecies. Their predictions prompt him to murder Duncan, to order the deaths of Banquo and his son, and to blindly believe in his own immortality. The play leaves the witches’ true identity unclear—aside from the fact that they are servants of Hecate, we know little about their place in the cosmos. In some ways they resemble the mythological Fates, who impersonally weave the threads of human destiny. They clearly take a perverse delight in using their knowledge of the future to toy with and destroy human beings.

Banquo –  The brave, noble general whose children, according to the witches’ prophecy, will inherit the Scottish throne. Like Macbeth, Banquo thinks ambitious thoughts, but he does not translate those thoughts into action. In a sense, Banquo’s character stands as a rebuke to Macbeth, since he represents the path Macbeth chose not to take: a path in which ambition need not lead to betrayal and murder. Appropriately, then, it is Banquo’s ghost—and not Duncan’s—that haunts Macbeth.

King Duncan –  The good King of Scotland whom Macbeth, in his ambition for the crown, murders. Duncan is the model of a virtuous, benevolent, and farsighted ruler. His death symbolizes the destruction of an order in Scotland that can be restored only when Duncan’s line, in the person of Malcolm, once more occupies the throne.

Macduff –  A Scottish nobleman hostile to Macbeth’s kingship from the start. He eventually becomes a leader of the crusade to unseat Macbeth. The crusade’s mission is to place the rightful king, Malcolm, on the throne, but Macduff also desires vengeance for Macbeth’s murder of Macduff’s wife and young son.

Malcolm –  The son of Duncan, whose restoration to the throne signals Scotland’s return to order following Macbeth’s reign of terror. Malcolm becomes a serious challenge to Macbeth with Macduff’s aid.

Fleance –  Banquo’s son, who survives Macbeth’s attempt to murder him. At the end of the play, Fleance’s whereabouts are unknown. Presumably, he may come to rule Scotland, fulfilling the witches’ prophecy that Banquo’s sons will sit on the Scottish throne.

The Murderers –  A group of ruffians conscripted by Macbeth to murder Banquo, Fleance (whom they fail to kill), and Macduff’s wife and children.

Lady Macduff –  Macduff’s wife. The scene in her castle provides our only glimpse of a domestic realm other than that of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. She and her home serve as contrasts to Lady Macbeth and the hellish world of Inverness.

Donalbain –  Duncan’s son and Malcolm’s younger brother.

A couple of years ago, this was a CA title so I prepared this. The idea was to rewrite a memorable scene from a film.

Enjoy!

There Could Only Be One

[Based on the final fight scenes in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2].

The battle had been raging for some time and the castle was now lying in ruins. Gone were the majestic looking turrets that had always stood there, tall and empowering to every student that had ever graced the hallowed halls of the school. And now, even in ruins, it still managed to command awe and majesty to those who considered it their home.

            This was school. This was home. This was a place of safety and now it had been attacked, assaulted by the one powerful force that everyone knew could prevail over good and defeat everyone once and for all. The thought this was horrendous to even consider so those who stood on the side of good took their stand with the teachers of the school against the Lord of all evil, Lord Voldemort.

            He had made his way inside the castle by this time, Nagini by his side, his trusted snake and was busily fighting with Harry a duel that would ultimately take one of them to their deaths. And even with all the melee going on around them, he strove forward, relentlessly chasing Harry through the corridors of the castle, mocking his inability to stand up to him, toying with his prey like a cat with a mouse.

            It was then that the young man, who had risen from the little boy of eleven to the strapping young man of 18 decided that enough was enough and made his move. Screaming a blood curdling shout of anger he attacked Voldemort from a full frontal position and was blasted back thirty feet back into the grounds of the school. The shock wave that hit him knocked him out, momentarily. But this was not the end, not for this man, for he was determined to fulfil one task and nothing was going to stop him.

            As Harry and Voldemort exchanged blows with each other, sending spells and sparks from their wands into each other, the quiet rebellion began. Nagini, tracking Harry, slithered and crept down the main staircase towards Hermione, who stood there, transfixed, horror in her eyes. What she did not realise at that time was that her saviour, the one who would save them all, was just emerging from out of the blackness of his unconscious state.

            Neville rose, looked about him and all the rubble and fixed his eyes on one thing, the sword of Gryffindor. And true to form, the sword was to reveal itself to the one who deserved it the most. And as Harry and Voldemort fought in a tumbling, towering cascade of arms and legs, falling relentlessly to the ground, everything went quiet in the courtyard, until the two wizards exchanged their final attack on each other.

            Suddenly, just as Nagini was beginning to reappear into the courtyard to attack Harry, a tall figure leapt out of the shadows, sword in hand, taking one powerful swing and severing the head of the snake in one blow. As he did so, the last horcrux that Voldemort had made had been destroyed and this left Harry with only one course of action, to finish off Voldemort for good. As their wands exchanged their force, the elder wand flew out of Voldemort’s hands and landed in Harry’s hand and Voldemort disintegrated before Harry’s eyes, never to be able to return to haunt or to destroy.

            The deaths of his father and mother had been avenged but it still left a dull feeling of unfinished business. The one person on the other hand, who did feel the best at this point, quite content with his actions on this day, was the hero of the hour, Neville Longbottom. There could only be one to fulfil the prophecy; neither Harry nor Voldemort could kill each other, but there was one who had also tasted death at such a tender age he was to be the one who would ultimately triumph.

As part of an original writing coursework, I asked the students I teach to write about the place where they live in two ways; the first as if you love it and the latter as if you loathe it. This is my exemplar!

York has to be one of the most fashionable, trendy and beautiful places that exist on God’s glorious earth. As a resident there myself, I feel immensely privileged and marvel at the magnificent thought that if you was to say to me ten years ago that in ten years I would be living here, I would laugh in your face. From the very centre, itself bestowed with an array of olde worlde buildings in The Shambles to the glimmering glory of the shopping centre itself, it radiates beauty as you travel further outwards. It is a mixture of leafy suburbs, with clean, precise roads, where drivers drive carefully and thoughtfully, merged with tinier inner city suburbs that share row to row, two up, two down tenements of pure class and beauty. It is quite simply, the best place to live in this wide earth!

***

York! What a place! How people can think of living here is beyond my comprehension, unless of course, you are past the age of 65 and middle class in your ways. Oh boy, what a travesty of social class divides York really is, or more precisely, as the locals call it, “Yark!” It is one of those places that once you visit, you say, “never again.” And you mean it for the roads are covered in litter. The drains keep overflowing, bringing forth the stench of days of rotting human waste. The only thing that makes it a place of interest is the Minster itself, and that is as old and dilapidated as its residents. Take my advice folks, stay away from York, for you never know just what you might catch if you visit this travesty of tourism!

Earlier, I added on here a rant at a television show to show you how to write one. Here is something that took me 15 minutes to type up, to show you the opposite, with a tinge of a moan at modern television and its makers. 

Enjoy.

Write about a television show you either love or loathe

I am in mourning today as I say a sad farewell to one of the most beautiful women in television history. When I was but a young pup of a lad, she was the one thing that brightened my week for me with that winning smile and her gorgeous hair. How she could keep that look going into the oncoming years was something that I have often wondered.

Who am I writing about, you are thinking, and what television show did she belong to? Well, I will answer the last question first. The name of the television show was The Champions and for the totally uninitiated, and shame on you for being so, it was a British espionage, sci-fi, cult television show of the late 1960s.

It was aired from 1968 to 1969 and in total, had 30 episodes to its belt. By today’s standards, that is not much when you think NCIS is now on its tenth series with twenty four episodes or so in each series, but this one show, The Champions, changed my life forever, for it introduced me to the sultry and stylish actress by the name of Alexandra Bastedo. She was and forever will be, my siren of the air waves, my champion of sixties fashion and looks, the epitome of everything female and lovely.

She made that show come alive every time she spoke, every time she shot a sideways glance, or even looked at the camera straight on and this heart melted on the spot. I was in love with two women at the same time; my primary school teacher Mrs Lawton and Alexandra Bastedo. No-one ever came close to matching either of them, so the ladies of form 5 had no chance. I was a lost in every way with this delightful lady.

And then there was the show itself. It was not just because of her that I was fascinated by The Champions, although that must have played a very large part. No, it was down to the story lines, the acting, the camera angles and the stories themselves, challenging us to think in new and scientific ways. Now, I think television is dire, a sorry and sad example of what has gone before it. Now we have to put up with talent shows from people who have no talent at all. If you want to see talent, get on youtube or on DVD and take a look at Ms Bastedo and The Champions. It is in a class all on its own.

With her co-stars Stuart Damon and William Gaunt, this was far in advance of anything I have ever seen before or since, and I am a Trekkie at heart, a fan of the Sci-fi, the thrillers, the supernatural films and the Hammer Horrors; the old ones, not the terrible things that exist nowadays and pay the wages of Harry Potter stars.

No, this television show had it all. It had beauty, it had style, it beat James Bond into a cocked hat and it was simply stunning to behold. I have always wanted to go to Geneva just to see that water fountain if it still exists, just to get a photo of me by the side of it, in true 60s pose. It is a pity I have the physique of the television thug rather than the suave style and shape of Messrs Damon and Gaunt, but I can dream. I can imagine my way onto the set and into the arms of Ms Bastedo, as I look longingly into those lovely eyes.

Ah well, true love never wanes I suppose, and so, I come back from my fantasies and back to the world of reality and to the television of today. And I wonder, will there ever be another television show like The Champions? Will they ever have the utmost nerve and temerity to try and do a remake? If they do, this boy is going to chain himself to the railings outside the BBC, or whichever channel does it, to complain at the antics of television producers who have run out of ideas.

You cannot make perfect that which is already, by definition, perfect. I think The Champions and Alexandra Bastedo are the epitome of that word and I say farewell my love, farewell and sleep in eternal arms, for you entertained us all and brightened our otherwise dull days by your very presence.

The Woman in Black is a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ written by Susan Hill that tells the story of Arthur Kipps, a young _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ who is sent by his firm to Crythin Gifford, to attend the funeral of Mrs Alice Drablow. Whilst he is there he sees a mysterious _ _ _ _ _ dressed in black, who haunts him at every _ _ _ _. He sees her in the graveyard at the funeral, in Mrs Drablow’s house and on the marshes surrounding the _ _ _ _ _.

On one _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ he hears a strange bumping sound coming from a room upstairs when he is alone and sorting through papers belonging to Mrs Drablow. He hears them because he has a dog with him who _ _ _ _ _ _ him to the noise and the _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ of it. As the dog, who is called _ _ _ _ _ _, becomes agitated, so too does Kipps, to the point where he cannot move because he is experiencing so much _ _ _ _. In that chapter, _ _ _ _ _ and the reader are taken on a _ _ _ _ _ _ coaster ride of fearful emotions, resulting in an unsatisfactory ending to the chapter.

The novella is a well _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and well written piece of English _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and one that is aimed at children. It has been _ _ _ _ _ _ _ into a stage play upon its release as a _ _ _ _ and into two films, one from the BBC and the other by _ _ _ _ _ _ Films.

Words

structured                Hammer                      Kipps                           fear              Spider

alerts                       strangeness                occasion                      book

novella                    woman                        house                          literature

roller                       turn                             adapted                      solicitor