Coursework 5

In one of the controlled assessments you will [or may] do this year, you will be asked to write about a television programme you either love or loathe [hate]. 

Here is my example on how you could write it. Note: if you are a CHAV, stop reading now! Only kidding!

 

Write about a television programme you either love or loathe.

I have never been that much of a fan of television, unless it has been when watching the science fiction classics like Star Trek, Doctor Who or the Tomorrow People in the 1970s, so when I consider just what the BBC and the other channels are doing to mainstream television in this present day and age, I cringe and wonder where the legacy of Lord Reith has gone to.

Indeed, back in 1995 when I sat my final year examinations in my degree, I was given an exam question that involved me writing an essay predicting where mainstream television would go and develop in the years to come. Starting with Lord Reith, I detailed the ways in which television had developed and prophesied that pay as you view would undoubtedly be the way forward in the future, once the television license is scrapped.

So now, when I look back nearly twenty years later, I see programmes like Strictly Come Dancing and the dreaded X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent and I wonder just what has happened. I know the answer before I continue any further, for mainstream television caters for the mass of public out there who have nothing better to do than just be the couch potato and sit in front of the television, pacifying themselves with the dross that is on. I mean, come on folks, the adverts are far better and far more entertaining than the programmes nowadays.

Take the X Factor for example. I used to watch it when we had a television and sit there and judge these lame individuals. I even went as far, once [and only] of auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent, where when asked about my “act” I wrote down that I would come on stage dressed in a gold shiny frock, with a black wig on [and a hairy chest], singing Shirley Bassey’s “Goldfinger” at the top of my voice, rather like the singer “Divine” from the 80s or 90s, whichever it was. Such was my dislike of these shows that I thought I would show them up for what they are; chav fodder. I was given the chance to audition but was spared two weeks before by a car accident that smashed me to pieces. Praise the Lord for small mercies!

The X Factor! That is a joke in itself. The programme name demands the question to be asked if you have the X factor when you go on. And by God, some of those Neanderthals that go on there are three cucumber slices short of a good sandwich for heaven’s sake. You take one look at them and think a complete travesty of nasty thoughts; and this they call mass entertainment? Simon Cowell has this country over a barrel every time it comes on.

Now some people out there in couch potato land think it is “cool” and okay to vote for these people. They spend their own money texting in to these shows to say they want a certain person to go through to round two. How ridiculous is that? Has there ever been a show like this one for complete idiocy in the viewing public? I doubt it very much!

On come a variety of individuals who are seeking their fifteen minutes of fame and they prance about and parade themselves around like Babe the pig on amphetamines, in the hope that you will love them. What a load of old shoemakers, and that is me being polite now.

And who do you think is the one loving every second of this? Yes, you have it right, the main lover in all this charade is none other than Mr Simon Cowell, who sits back and just watches the money come rolling in. The X Factor – I ask you, who in their right minds would watch such drivel? Oh yes, the answer is you!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel folks, for there is a way to silence this malady of the British and worldwide mind and that is by using the red button and silencing the elephant once and for all. You have the chance to put an end to this rubbish. Just like the voting that takes place on this utterly ridiculous programme, you have the chance to put an end to Cow Eel’s moronic smirking face – the way is simple, just turn him and his drivel off. But do not just use the red button once; do it again and again until you get to the point where like me, you say “ditch the telly” and then you find that you have more free time with your family in an evening!

Go on, you know you want to!

 

798 words [ inside the 10% over limits set by AQA]

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